Faith and hope hang by a thread, and so does my sanity

Published on June 11, 2008 By CharlesCS In Blogging

Well, as I write this, my eyes water out of shear desperation. 32 years old and my accomplishments could be counted with a single hand with fingers to spare. For years I wanted to believe that I could change things, that I could make things better. That if I tried hard enough, that if I put enough work into it, I could turn things around for the better. It would seem fate was against me from the start and there was very little if any chance of success for me. Failure was already predetermined from minute 1.

Up until now I believed I was making some progress. Sure my first year back in the states but a bumpy one, but I thought I was finally getting somewhere. But it would seem this was more like the calm before the storm. At this moment I find myself with a mountain of dilemmas slowly crumbling on me and I am beginning to lose my mind. It would seem that regardless how much good I do, how hard I work, I was destined to fail. Ever since I bought my car I have yet to be able to make 1 payment on time. I figured it made more sense to pay for a vehicle that didn’t spend 1 day a week in the shop for repairs than spending the same amount keeping it running. Besides, compared to the $100 plus a week I was spending on gas (when it was around $3.00), I felt the gas savings of a smaller, economical car were worth it. Keeping up with my utility bills has been a nightmare. In the past 2 years I have had my light cut twice and my water 4 times. My cell phones spend at least 3 to 4 days a month disconnected (thank God it’s MetroPCS). Keeping food in the fridge was more of a challenge than hitting a bullseye with an arrow from 12 inches away. All in all I though I was getting the hang of things for a while. After getting a second job, again, I though the extra money would help. But I was not making nearly as much as I hoped and was slowly losing control of my finances again. Now that the season for valet parking is over I am back to 1 job, which means my troubles will only get worse. And they have.

Just a few days ago I spoke with the people from my car loan. Out of embarrassment I had avoided speaking with them till I had a plan to pay my late payments. But my plan had no hope of fixing my current situation. When the agent on the phone mentioned the possibility of losing my car if I don’t pay the 2 months by the end of this month, I found myself internally about to lose it, but managed to make it seem as if everything was a OK. I eventually found a way to solve the problem but the fix would be temporary and I fear I will only sink even further. I can not afford to lose the car or else my wife will have to quite and I will have a hard time getting to work. Well, all of a sudden a moment of hope arrived in the form of a call from a new fast food next to my house that i had applied for a part time. I figured this could provide me with the money I needed to get back on track. Well, turns out my morning job scedule does not make me a likely candidate to get a job. After being told to show up for orientation, I was told I would be called back hopefully next week depending on how things go and if they could use someone who can only come in after 6 PM. They would have liked me to be there at least by 5 but I can’t do that due to my job and my wife’s job. There goes the only hope I had of solving my problems, or at least start working my way out of this hole I’m in. Well, it gets better. My wife was just handed legal papers stating that the owner of the apartment we are currently renting is being sued by his bank for failure to pay the mortgage and that this and maybe other apartments he has may go into foreclosure.

So let’s recap. I may eventually have my car repoed, might lose my car insurance, am hardly able to keep up with my utility bills or food for the house, have not been able to get a part time job that can fit my schedule and is close to home and now I might find myself without an apartment eventually and I don’t have any money to move to a new place. I hope I didn’t miss anything. So all this hard work for nothing. Oh yea, and regardless how hard I work at my job, how much responsibility I am willing to tale, how many more skills and jobs I am willing to learn, I have already come to the conclusion that I will never be able to make enough money to pull myself out of this hole without some college degree of some sort. And going to college to get a degree? Can’t imagine how I will be able to do that considering it will take me at least 2 years before I see any kind of degree and besides needing a part time to make ends meet, I am not sure where I am gonna find the time to study, sleep and spend time with my family.

Considering how overwhelmed I am feeling as I write this, I seriously doubt I will be getting any sleep tonight. I wonder if this is what it feels like jumping out of the window of the 55th floor of a building and watching as death comes at you at terminal velocity? Anything short of a miracle will be the only thing that can save me and my family from this fall I am currently experiencing. When will I hit the floor, only God knows, but I am losing any hope of avoiding the impact.

Comments (Page 1)

OckhamsRazor

on Jun 12, 2008

Sorry this is all sucking so hard. Mind if I ask how old you are?

Dr Guy

on Jun 12, 2008

I think most of us have been there at one point. Do not lose hope. Just remember that when you are at the bottom of a rut, the sides look incredibly steep. But they are no taller than when you were at the top looking down.

You can do it. Many of us have done it at least once, sometimes more.

Locamama

on Jun 12, 2008

It can be a struggle but keep on. Things will get better. Your family needs you. Hopefully you will be able to find either a better job or a part-time job that works with your schedule. I think people who are willing to work eventually find the job that will reward them.

And please look into getting assistance. Don't be too proud to accept help. Do you qualify for any of the programs for utilities or food stamps? Maybe you could get some groceries from a food bank? Keep trying to work out payment arrangements with your car lender. Check into

http://www.modestneeds.org/ I hope things start looking up for you. They say its darkest before the dawn.

CharlesCS

on Jun 12, 2008

I appreciate the comments. Right now I am thinking with a much more clearing kind after a long night of sleep. It's ironic that at my most desperate moment I slept the best. I am not one to give up on reaching my goals, but I am at a crossroads where it almost seems as if I have no control over my crash and burn waiting to happen. This is not a plea for financial help. I don't want anyone to think I am begging for money or anything. But I just feel like no matter how much I improve, it's as if I have made no progress because my problem simply adapted to my solution. Kinda like a virus that becomes immune to a cure that once killed it.

I will admit of being a bit proud. I would rather work than seek Gov't help. But I have done it before and have always ended up paying the price for it because I am at the line where I don't make enough to live at least decently life but make too much to qualify for some Gov't programs.

The irony of all of this is that I know people who's financial problems make mine look like Volkwagon Beetle next to a semi truck. Yet somehow they seem to manage. But then they do make much more money than I do.

CharlesCS

on Jun 12, 2008

I meant to say clearer mind not clearing kind. But i guess I was wrong. LOL

Tova7

on Jun 12, 2008

I'm sorry you are going through this Charles.

I don't know what to say....you are both working...how many kids do you have?

Are you upside down on the car? Why didn't the maint. fees of the older vehice not meet the payments of this one?

Do you have a budget? Have you sat down and listed all your bills, your income, and then decided which ones you pay first...(rent, food, lights, car)?

Hmmmm.

just john

on Jun 12, 2008

I may regret writing this but I think you need to hear it.

Two new laptops? A car note? You can't keep the lights on or food in the fridge? Why?

I know what it's like living paycheck to paycheck. I know what it's like to have to live without a hot shower because the gas got turned off and it's three days till payday. I've had the lights turned off and the water too, many times. When I look back I had no one to blame for my troubles but me.

I get an annual bonus from work. I get a hefty tax return and this year I even got a little extra from the stimulus package. We have large purchases to make such as a new stroller or educational activities for the children. We try to plan them so they coincide with that money. We also look at my bonus as part of my income so some of that money has to be used for things throughout the year. We do the same with our tax refund.

We are a single income family with three babies. I own two vehicles and I rent the house I live in. My monthly expenses are just barely covered by what I bring home. There is no way I could afford to add a car note. I can’t afford to add a doctor’s visit. I better have some cash for those events.

Spending money on things we want would be fun but it's not the responsible thing to do. I really want a new Media Center Pc. I just refuse to buy it because I know that $5-700 could be used for the day to day necessities. (I've had the money to buy my computer for over a year now)

It's so easy to justify a purchase when you have the money burning a hole in your pocket. In reality that money could and should be used for something else.

CharlesCS

on Jun 12, 2008

Don't regret it John. We may not have had the best conversations on this site but I still appreciate you comments. You are correct about the 2 laptops. I have been working on my finances and had been doing pretty good lately. My shut-off issues were from last year and I know am able to keep up with my bills but at times my bills hit new highs with this whole gas thing going on and sometimes I think I won't be able to make the next one. Especially after I heard Florida is looking to increase my light bill by 16% which will put me over $200 a month.

I had been working hard to be able buy myself a new computer. I am a PC addict and my out dated computer had died on me. It's almost like a smoker without cigarettes. I bought my laptop because I earned it, I used my tax return for that. My wife bought herself her laptop with her money but hers was not brand new.I don't usually get a chance to buy myself anything, most of my stuff is pre-owned since my credit is pretty bad from past financial issues. But having avoided buy either laptop would not have avoided my current dilemma. I fell behind on car payments due to problems that required money out of pocket, things one has no control over. I am in the process of fixing my car payment issue when I had the apartment problem dropped on my.

My issue is that no matter how hard I work to get out of my problems, life seems to always find something, not minor but major, to throw at me that negates any progress I had done previously. It seems that no matter how far I climb up the mountain, the mountain continues to grow. My utilities will eventually overcome my wages, gas prices are not helping. Not being able to find a part time is only adding to the pain. And now I have to come up with $1800 out of thin air to get out of that apartment into a new one.

Not once have I ever blamed anyone but myself for my problems. Many times have I admitted to making bad decisions. But my luck at improving my situation has met nothing but dead ends and dark corners. I have to chose between going to school to improve my financial situation (waiting at least 2 years for any kind of results)or getting a part time to make ends meet. At this point I find myself considering selling my laptop but don't think it will make a difference. My car note was due to necessity. Having own several used cars I came to the conclusion that having a used car in the shop once a week spending hundreds a month was not logical. Especially a gas guzzling one. Keep in mind my wife does not work close by, I have a child in a day car I have to drop off and pick up every day and my older son gets out of school earlier then we get out o work so I have to pick him up everyday and drop him off at the boys and girls club since there is no free transportation and I can not afford a private service.

CharlesCS

on Jun 12, 2008

Look, no matter how hard I try, I will only come off as a person making excuses for mistakes one makes. And I will get nothing but finger pointing as if those who point fingers don't make mistakes.

I've made mistakes and I admit it. I simply was not expecting the apartment issue. I am desperate because of that. I got all other issues under control now. I made some calculations and can bring everything up to date, but finding myself having to move so abruptly is driving me up the wall cause I was not ready for such a thing. This is something that I will need time to be able to resolve. I can only pray I do. It just drives me nuts that I can't get a break from my problems, just when i think I got it all figured out, in comes a meteor sized problem to make my day. I wish I only got flat tires rather than a oil leak.

Texas Wahine

on Jun 13, 2008

You might be surprised by what you qualify for, Charles. Pride is a stupid, stupid reason to raise children in a dark house with no food.

http://www.myflorida.com/accessflorida/

Click on the pre-screening tool and plug in your info. It's anonymous and you can see what you might qualify for.

A few questions for you to consider...

How much does your wife make?
How much is daycare or after school childcare for your two children?
How much is transportation (vehicle, gas, upkeep) for your wife?
How much are meals, clothing, and other work-related expenses for her?

http://www.mymommybiz.com/adviceandresources/momsincome.html

That's a calculator that can help you see whether your family is benefiting or suffering financially from your wife working outside the home. If she is not commanding a great salary, it is very likely that it would be better for her to stay home with the children or work from home.

If you are in a DIRE situation, you may have to consider DIRE measures.

The past is the past, but instead of using tax money for a laptop, you might have used that money to purchase an inexpensive used vehicle that would not require monthly payments.

I am an instant gratification kind of girl and not great with finances, so I am definitely not passing judgment, but you need to take an honest look at things. It's easy to say that you deserve something because you work hard, but the question is not, "Do I deserve it?"...the question is "Can I afford it?".

Your kids deserve stability. They deserve the power on. Meals and treats and learning experiences. What you spend on you is STOLEN from them.

My other suggestion would be to consider joining the military. You won't make a ton at first, but if you are as hard a worker as you say you are, you will do well and your family will always have a home and health insurance.

Tova7

on Jun 13, 2008

Your kids deserve stability. They deserve the power on. Meals and treats and learning experiences. What you spend on you is STOLEN from them.

You're SO getting Karma for that.

Great point.

CharlesCS

on Jun 13, 2008

You're SO getting Karma for that.

Great point.

Please tell me how the karma things works.

TW,

I agree with you totally. I didnt get a used car because I have already had 7 used cars and I was tired of dealing with mechanics once or twice a week trying to keep these cars running. I am not much of a car expect and I tried my best to steer clear of bad cars but just could not get lucky. It's the only reason I decided for a new car.

The food part, I have never allowed my children to go hungry. I always come thru, I just get frustrated and make big deals out of nothing when I get depressed. I may not always have my fridge and cabinets bursting with food, but we have never gone hungry. My utilities was a matter of irresponsibility. That is something I have not allowed to happen since the beginning of the year. Heck, I am even up to date on my utility bills. The problem is they are starting to go up while my paycheck isnt and that is starting to scare me. But I'll manage, always have.

I appreciate your comments and the links. I promise to put them to good use. Maybe even post some info that might be useful to others as well.

BTW, I finale got the car payments straightened out. No more problems there so now all I have is my rent issue. My landlord claims this is not a problem and I should not worry. That he will resolve this problem but I don't trust him. If he chose to not say anything to us, that would only lead me to believe he is not trustworthy. Apart from being really bad at getting things done around the place. I will still consider looking for a new place and a way to get outta there.

CharlesCS

on Jun 13, 2008

Again thanks for the comments. I know I have made mistakes and deserve to have them pointed out to me. But at least I get good advise and I find myself more motivated when I see people not only shake their fingers at me but also pointing to good sources for help. There are a lot of great people on JU. Again thanks.

Tova7

on Jun 13, 2008

Please tell me how the karma things works.

You have to enter the article through the forums. When you do, you'll see the Karma. To give Karma to someone you click on the thumbs up, a box will appear, you can leave a comment, and press give karma.

You can also click on the number of Karma under your avatar to read why you have some.

CharlesCS

on Jun 13, 2008

Thanks Tova. I cant see that little button from my job. To many restrictions.

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