As much as I like being around Joeuser.com debating about the many topics from politics to current events to the latest in computers, I feel I will have to give up replying and/or posting articles. For as far back as I can remember I have always had trouble trying to get people to understand anything I was talking about. You would almost think I was talking a different language. I have had my theories as to why; maybe they just didn’t see the issue any other way (2+2=4), maybe they just didn’t want to see it any other way (2+2=5 and I don’t care) or maybe I really was confused and actually believed I was talking clearly (2+2=4, I think? Of course, umm, am I sure?). In the end it didn’t really matter, it was bad enough people thought I was weird, even the nomads at school kept their distance. It was like being ugly as a monster, smelly as a skunk and just simply un-cool to be around all at the same time. The fact that I was very shy and did not take rejection to well didn’t make it any easier. Nothing worse than having to live with that you hate most in life, in my case, loneliness.
Joeuser.com was the second site I had found where I could express myself without having to show my face and could probably find people like me. 31 years old, about 3 years on JU and I don’t even have anyone’s email on this site or call them like some due here that I have read. It seems that my natural human repellent is not immune to cyberspace. I’m just as bad online as I am in real life. The worst part is that I still don’t understand why things are this way and it worries me a lot. It makes me feel that no matter how sure I think I am it’s not true, everyone else may be right about me. I admit I can come across as annoying sometimes, I can’t help but trying to be a bit humoristic about some things cause I tend to think that making people laugh or smile can lighten the mood a bit in an otherwise tension filled discussion. I’ve always believed that talking, writing or doing anything at all while being upset or mad may cause one to say, write or do something one was not intending to say, write or do. Now a days I seem to have more doubts about what I think is the right thing to do, what’s good or my own faith. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.
In the end I only have myself to blame. I chose to be this way and have not been able to change in a way that would have made things better for me. I have failed in accepting myself for what I am and caring less about what people think about me. I guess in my heart it’s just too important to me to know what everyone thinks about me. I guess being ignored, left out, pushed aside or just plain invisible is too painful for me. But, I have 2 children who depend on me and I cannot let these emotions affect their lives and so I must forget about myself and my feelings and work as hard as I have too to make sure my children have the necessities in life to survive. I can only pray they don’t worry so much about these things as I do. But I can’t help thinking that if they chose the path of honesty (which I would rather they do) and doing the right thing that they may suffer as much if not more than I have. I guess so long as they can live with knowing they did something good and accept the consequences of their actions, be them good or bad, then maybe they will do better in life that I have. I wish I didn’t expect so much of other people, I wish I could just accept that no good deed goes unpunished, but it would seem that I’m only fooling myself every time I thought appreciation would follow a good deed. A simple thank you, a nod of the head, even a look that said “I noticed”. I guess as I said before, I just care too much.
Well, this kind of mentality apparently was not meant to be shared with the rest of the world and so I have decided to steer clear of posting or replying online anymore. I don’t wish to continue to be seen the opposite of what I intend to express. It’s too painful to be seen as a disrespectful to women or a jerk when I know I’m not, or trying to be insulting when I’m not trying to be. I will stick to basic things such as looking for answers on technical stuff or simply I can’t do it myself questions.
I’m hoping this is not a permanent goodbye, but I will have to deal with the possibility. I think Joeuser.com and all the related sites are great sites with a lot of interesting people in them, some a bit unusual, others kinda crazy and a lot of very smart and talented people. I will stick around and enjoy the benefits of some of the related sites such as Wincustomize.com and even look around JU from time to time to see who’s saying what and who’s disagreeing with it. I’m sorry to all those I have offended when I did not mean to. Have fun and keep up the fun on this site. I hope to talk to everyone someday again. This will be my last article and maybe my last replies if I see it worth replying. Thanks and see you all around.