Well, as some of you may know I have been, for some years now, having issues with the mother of my children. Some issues, while already mentioned, I do not wish to repeat but to say the least it's enough for many to ask why I am still with her. Well recently we sat down, by her request, to talk about our current situation. It would seem my frustrations had finally got to me and I was acting very indifferent with her. Guess that is what took to get her attention.
Anywhoo, we spoke about what needs to be done about this degrading relationship. We both considered going our own ways as an option but in the end decided to try to make it work for the sake of the children. So far things have been a bit better though progress is moving a bit too slow on her part for my taste. I am not seeing results as fast as I'd hope considering the conversation. But I will give it more time.
But there are moments when I think we should just go ahead and move on with our lives. This weekend I was presented with amoment that i first chose to ignore but have, honestly, not been able to. See, my 5 year old has been giving me a lot of trouble lately at his daycare. For 4 days straight i was called to go because he was out of control. At home it's as if I fed him pure sugar for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am not a believer of harsh punishments such as beating him, but he has forced me to take much more drastic measures to control him. While I have not reached a point of physically harming him to the point of marks and scars, I have done things such as grab him by the ears, spank him a little and even hit him with the belt a bit, not like a monster though, just to scare him. Well, taking away his toys and games, giving him love and attention, punishing him or hitting him have made a dent in his attitud towards me and just about everyone else much. He is a bit more calmer now than a few weeks ago, but I discovered that another child in his clase was the real problem and my son was simply immitating him where as anytime the child was not in class my son would behave great.
Like any other time, my 5 year old was acting impossible on Saturday. He was told to get dressed cause we were going out. he said he could not find his socks and I told him they were on the bed, he couldn't miss them but in his defiant act he kept saying he couldn't find them so I got upset and grabbed him by the ear and showed him the socks. Maybe I went a bit too fr that time but I didn't really do much to him, he tends to make mountains out of molehills. Anyways, a few minutes later my wife tells me she needed to talk to me about what happened with my son. She called me into the room and told me that my son had told her that he did not want me in with them anymore. That he wanted it to be only him, his brother and his mommy. I ofcourse tried to play it off as he is just a 5 year old that doesn't know what he is saying, and perhaps I am right. He is, after all, in that "you don't love me" stage. I have seen that happen so many times before. I went and blamed my wife because she likes to let him get away with everything and always bends to his will even when I had said no for good reasons. She basically underminds my authority.
As I said, I tried to ignore my sons comments but the truth is it has been eating me up ever since and today I find myself almost wanting to cry of the thought my son does not want me around. Sometimes I think my older son feels the same way since I am sometimes rough with him, but I do it for his own good. In this day in age a simply correction with a hard tone of voice is seen as bad as beating them with a belt, an iron cord or a bat by kids. So here I am watching all my dreams slowly becoming consumed by the fires of my mistakes and feeling completely hopeless at stopping it. The mother of my children who has not done much to save this relationship in 10 year I honestly don't really expect her to do so now (but gave her the benfit of the doubt hoping to be surprised, after all I do believe in miracles) and my 2 kids who are losing their faith in their father.
It seems that my presence on this site shows nothing but a man who can't do anything right be it with people on this site or my family at home. I don't even know what else to think or say.